where's the beef?

I’m pleased to announce the winner of the great steak contest and hence the winner of a giant bifé de lomo the size of your head, purchased at the best and most expensive supermarket in all of Argentina on my last day is... Dr. T.R. Parker of Poughkeepsie, New York.

I consumed 38 and a half steaks during my seven-week stay in Argentina (the other half of my last steak I was forced to trade for a half portion of Galician grilled octopus – what would you do?). Dr. Parker was closest, having guessed 33 steaks, followed very closely by Vladan Crha of Prague with a guess of 46. Those of you (and there were many) who guessed over 70 are simply insane or wishing to cash in on my non-existent life insurance policy.

I am not so pleased to announce that ALL of my meat – more than U$D 100 worth – was confiscated by the Department of Agriculture at US Customs in Miami. Several kilos of vacuum-packed top grade beef, more than two dozen sausages and fuetes, more than twenty packs of bondiola, jamón crudo (prosciutto), matambre and panceta will allegedly feed the fires of the airport furnace along with the lighters and toenail clippers of outbound passengers.

I am left with an assortment of relatively mediocre cheeses and canned seafood patés.

The USDA claimed a threat of ‘mad cow disease’ (unknown in Argentina) as the reason for the seizure. This would imply that my intention was to feed my expensive, high-quality steaks raw to American cows as part of some peculiar terrorist plot or just for the hell of it. ‘Hoof in mouth’ disease was what they gave for the theft of my pork products – implying that my plan was to rub the noses and lips of American pigs with the smoked and cured body parts of their Argentinean cousins. I leave it to you, dear reader, to determine the likelihood of these two scenarios.

A more likely reason is a highly-politicized and moneyed corporate US Farm Lobby that is unable to compete with superior and cheaper free range beef and pork, in order to better push their substandard hormone-laden, genetically-modified, pent-up, tortured, artificially-fattened, mutant aberrations of nature on an uneducated public – thanks to a Congress and an administration that depend on their cash and votes.

The only meat allowed in from Argentina is cooked chicken – not exactly their strong suit – although I wouldn’t know, as I never had any during my stay.

The woman next to me on the plane from Miami to New York (a venerable 80 year-old witch from Jamaica with gold teeth, a cane, and obvious respiratory problems) had a suitcase full of jerks and curries (over 250 dollars worth, according to her) confiscated as well. They left her only with a single veggie empanada. She was pissed and so am I. And so is Dr. Parker. Thanks for playing and be sure to write your congressman!